An apology.

Hi, Everybody - 

I'm so sorry for the ruckus. I'm even more moved that a sad post I should never have put up worried so many of you. I really did not mean to do that, and I hope more than anything that you'll believe that. I'm quite ashamed of myself.

I didn't know what was going on until an hour ago because I don't have internet on the cell phone here (the last time AT&T overcharged me, by their admission, $740 for international service last time, but said they would only refund half as a matter of policy). So, no cell service here. I don't know what made me uncork like I did last night. Partly I'm just losing my mind. As for the rest, I just haven't learned to shut up enough. It's idiotic, and probably part of the reason I avoid people all the time any more (no one ever believes me, but I would much rather have more surgery without anesthetics - and I know how that feels - than be a houseguest). I feel terrible about what I posted, and owe you all this apology.

Roo may be an extremely challenging dog, but in the picture I posted this morning, she's not sad. Keep in mind that Roo is almost always worried about something, though, and it shows in most of her body language. Roo is a deeply damaged dog. Normally I post only pictures showing the happy Roo. But this one shows a typically Roo Roo. I don't know if whatever happened to her will always be that close to the surface, and it recedes a bit every day. But it's there, like it is in that picture. The torture she endured is etched physically on her body, in fact. She has dark rings under eyes that I have never seen on another dog. Actual grey areas, like the bags that have been getting deeper and darker under my own eyes the last few years. I'm sure I'll be accused of anthropomorphizing to the extreme, but those bags under her eyes were one of the first things I noticed about her when we first met. They were, and still are, one of the most heartbreaking things about her. Also, Roo is never entirely calm unless she is outside running around in nature. Then, she's a different dog. So, I avoid cities and try to get her several hours of exercise every day. It's half of the reason why I'm always on the run. But in that picture she's just in the process of going to lie down on a table in a corner in a motel. She's never done that before - wanting to get up on a table - but I guess she had her reasons, and I guess they show.

Anyway, I'm sorry for creating such a commotion. I don't know what to say. We're in a dark room without a lamp tonight, so I have to use a flashlight, dimmed with paper napkins, and flashlights are the one thing Roo isn't showing any signs of getting less scared of. I haven't been able to put a dent in that. She's asleep now, but when she wakes up and sees it, she's going to slink away and hide from it until I can get her to calm down again. A lot of you have frightened dogs, too, and you know how hard it is not to be able to just tell them that it's okay. Even though, half the time I can simply tell her that, and she listens. Just not yet with flashlights. She associates something terrible with them, with how dangerous humans are. And she's right. Humans are goddamn dangerous. I couldn't agree more with her on that one. 

Thank you all - I feel terrible for all the concern I generated. I didn't mean to do that. You can't imagine what a horse's ass I feel like. I feel that way in general, but a lot more so tonight. 

Anyway, I'm signing off.