Pure science requires that measurements be made to exacting degrees of certainty. Dogs are often called on, for the most part unwillingly, to participate in man’s quest for progress. Just ask any pharmaceutical or chemical weapons manufacturer. Being civic-minded to a fault, Roo has volunteered to do her part. Here are some of her recent findings.
1. Psychology: Correlative study to determine dog intelligence in terms of human age
An opinion has been developing in the scientific community that dogs possess an intelligence roughly equal to that of a human two-year-old. Roo has always scoffed at that so-called “science," which is in her view as laughable as the old human chestnut about the planet being round. Consequently, Roo designed the following experiment to demonstrate her contention that the truth is different by orders of magnitude (especially when calculated in dog years):
This is proof positive that, because it is not until approximately Second Grade when some boy finds out how much he can gross out his classmates by eating his boogers, the intellectual capacity of dogs is at least equal to that of an eight-year-old human.
2. Anatomy: Calibrated Tongue Length Measurement in Dogs
No matter how much experience a person has with dogs, there always comes a time when the length to which a dog can extend his or her tongue appears to exceed that which can be believed by the observer. This, in turn, mandates the precise quantification of tongue length. Everything you need for finely calibrated tongue-extension measurements is already in your home.
Once your subject has completed their portion of the experiment, all that is left is for you to take your samples back to the laboratory to complete the measurements and correlate the data. It will be sufficient for most purposes to be accurate to the nearest millimeter. Anything more granular than that will be difficult because of Heisenberg Uncertainty effects, which, on the quantum scale, are accelerated in any home with a dog, as no place has ever been shown by science to be small enough not to contain dog hair, one of the fundamental building blocks of the universe.
3. Physics: Thermoconducting properties of the dog tongue
Admittedly, this particular experiment does not yield any scientific data of great value, but it can be a useful tool for teaching the principles of thermoconductivity to small children in the hopes that they might become a bit more high-minded than that booger-eater sitting next to them in Home Room. Again, everything you need for this experiment can be found in your home laboratory.
Place the child’s hand underneath the cool stainless steel bowl, and ask them to note any changes in temperature caused by the action of the dog’s tongue. Be sure to differentiate thermoconductivity from friction.
Coming up in our next science section:
How using your dog's bomb-sniffing capabilities can help save you $40 on your next trip to the Quik-Lube.