Day 56: So much confusion

The worst thing about this is the constant confusion. Every time Roo is feeling sick, I don’t know what the cause is. Is it the last chemo drug she took? Is it the disease itself? Are the antibiotics bothering her? Is something hurting? Is her belly more swollen? Is there a reason she’s avoiding her cushioned bed? Are her legs hurting? Or is it just the heat?

IF ONLY I COULD ASK HER.

Since Roo’s dose of Lomustine nine days ago, she’s been weaker. Her mood isn’t bad, and she still rouses herself to go to the frog pond and hop around after them for an hour or two, but after that she’s wrecked. She limps back to the car. When we get back to the camper she is too tired to stand to be hosed or dried, only agreeing to let me do it while she lies down in the driveway.

Yesterday, when this monster heat wave hit, we made it to the pond, but after that, Roo lay down and couldn’t move. She wouldn’t go outside to pee for 25 hours. Was it just the heat? It was murderous, after all. But then she seemed even more tired, and she wouldn’t lick the butter off a spoon I offered her. The wasn’t a good sign. 

More confusion: the vet’s instructions were to give her Cipro, another antibiotic, if she started feeling weak, depressed or anxious. She wasn’t anxious, but she was weak and seemed depressed. But the other day, when I emailed the vet to ask if I should be adding the Cipro to the mix of two other antibiotics she’s already on, the vet said to hold off until the evening and to see if she was doing better. She did feel better, and I didn’t give it to her. But today, she was worse than she had been then, so finally I gave her the Cipro. She is so sick of the quantity of pills I have to jam down her throat (putting them in food rarely works, unless the pills are tiny. She routinely spits the big ones out, and Cipro is a big one).

After that she seemed to feel better, which was also confusing. It couldn’t possibly have hit her that fast, could it? Or did I make a mistake giving that to her?

She’s supposed to have another round of chemo on Tuesday, but I don’t know. If she’s this weak now, what then?

I’m doing everything I can to keep her happy, occupied and in a good mood, but it’s tough not to spend virtually every minute of every day worrying about her and not knowing with any degree of certainty at all what is going on.

That’s all I’ve got. I’m exhausted and sad, and I’m not even the one with cancer.